Bezpłatny fragment - I used to know a girl

Dedication

Elżbieta Trzecińska, Waldemar Majewski

— thank you for the care and attention you gave to me and Natan in the most difficult time for us.

Karolina Krzywkowska

— thank you for all the telephone calls at such an uncertain time for me. Thanks to them, I stayed alive.

Lucyna Jendrzejczyk

— thank you for our conversations in the corridor. For your support and accompanying me in the crisis, thanks to you I determined my direction.

Benek Wyględacz

— thank you for the love and acceptance in which I grow every day. For the strength that our relationship gives me and for the fact that thanks to it I regained the joy of my femininity.

Antonina and Jacek Wyględacz

— thank you for your everyday support. It’s a great joy to be part of this family.

Daniel Fisher

— thank you for inventing Emotional CPR and sharing yourself with the world. It makes me feel alive.

Dorota Mrozowicz-Grodzka and Jacek Kaczor

— thank you for the great gift of friendship, support and acceptance, that makes me flourish.

Violetta Rogala

— thanks to you, I believed in my poetic potential. Thank you.

On the other side

June 23, 2023

when evening fell and the lights went out,

 only a scream could be heard inside me,

I wondered if I was dreaming and when

I will be able to get to the other side

I’ve been wandering around inside myself for so long

that I forgot where I was going

so close to home — I couldn’t find my way,

so close to home — I felt quite far away

forever hoping

that I will find this memory of myself

from the time I was born

from the beginning of my existence

if I left

if there was anything I could change

this long time was so real

in my confusion I walked forward forever

still hoping

that I will find silence and get my heart rate back

when dusk falls and the lights go out

I can hear my heart beating inside

and I still wonder if I’m dreaming

and when I got to the other side

I found light in my home

as I remembered how to love

my existence and my choices

and everything behind me I wrapped inside

and if I had left

I would never have found myself

Blackbird

2018 year

The first memory that comes to my mind when I think about the crisis is a blackbird.

I sat for hours in my son’s grandmother’s yard, wrapped in a blanket and staring into space. I haven’t eaten for weeks. I was so weak that I couldn’t stand upright on my own.

I had just been discharged from the hospital where I was admitted, extremely exhausted, to the internal ward. Then I had no idea what was happening to me. I didn’t associate it with depression, I was confused and terrified. I thought my lack of appetite was a reaction to long-term stress.

There was a lot going on in my life at that time. I was constantly on the run to reconcile single motherhood with work and constantly feeling guilty that my child spent so many hours in the day care center. It took many years.

I don’t remember when it started, but my condition deteriorated very quickly.

Returning to the garden…

it was the only place I had been functioning for many weeks, before that I had mainly slept. I kept thinking that I was failing as a mother. The worst thing was the subsequent lack of motivation, constant fear and the feeling as if I was dying every moment.

During the first crisis, I lost my job when my employers found out that I was undergoing psychiatric treatment. They decided that I was and had been a threat to their child (I was a caregiver) because I often had panic attacks there (I didn’t know then that these symptoms were panic attacks).

This time I worked at school as a teacher’s assistant and my contract was simply not renewed. On the one hand, I understand it — who needs an absent employee? On the other hand, I stopped feeling needed and this stayed with me for a very long time.

I fainted a few times and had symptoms such as numbness of the entire left side, lips, tongue, and visual disturbances. Then I went to the emergency room, my head was pounding so much that the first question that was always asked was — do you suffer from epilepsy?

The garden was also a place I couldn’t leave.
It happened suddenly, I simply wasn’t able to take a step out of the gate on my own.

Blackbird appeared with spring and sun.

He sat in the tree in front of me and sang. All other sounds irritated or scared me. It was then that I paid attention to life for the first time in a long time.

It came every day.

I like to think it was there for me.

Psychiatrist

I was admitted to the day ward urgently, after I was sent from the closed ward to which an ambulance took me according to my request. I asked for it because I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore and I wasn’t confident in myself. It was the hardest decision of my life. I felt like I was falling apart inside into a thousand pieces. Back then, I felt like a huge failure, having failed as a mother and as a human being. I felt like I had abandoned my child, though I hadn’t. But I could see it much later in therapy.

In the emergency room, the „doctor” said that these were anxiety symptoms and there was no need for me to be admitted to a closed ward, and I quote:

„There are only sick people in the ward, this is not the place for you”

and so at one a.m., in the night, I returned home with a Relanium pills in my bag. The next morning I checked into the day ward where I had already been a few years earlier with symptoms of mild depression. That time I was also diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The brain is an interesting organ — one day it decided to recall all the traumatic events from my childhood.

However, this is a completely different story and I am not sure yet whether I will tell it here due to respecting the privacy of the people involved.
Between the admission room and the day ward, I called Mrs. Karolina, the psychologist with whom I had a consultation in the internal ward. It was she who recommended that I go to a locked ward in my condition.

She talked to me for a long time at night when I was sent away.

Looking back, I feel extremely grateful for these conversations. They saved my life then.

I still have the business card she gave me.

Business card with a butterfly.

Light-Blue butterfly

For Karolina Krzywowska

blue butterfly

it sat down in my path

it spread its wings

touched the transfer

discovered that the soul

sometimes suffers severely

and the past is not so irrelevant

it showed its delicacy

and strength

delighted with his heart

with its wing it gave a respite

 reminded joy

hidden somewhere  in

the silence of the

 memories of my soul

nice relief

Therapy

The day care ward in Siemianowice Śląskie, like any else, had its own rhythm. At one time, there were many different activities in that place that strengthened the person who went there (group therapy, individual therapy, music therapy, genogram, psychodrawing, community, integration with the other group and the group process with Dr. Jacek Przyłudzki). He was the only psychiatrist who listened with attention and interest to everything I had to say.

One of the few whom I remember well throughout my journey as a patient.

Always had he respect for people and attentiveness to their history. I admired his commitment. I felt important in contact with Him. He was also the director of this facility. Unfortunately, he ended his role during my stay and a lot changed then.

Of course, success depends mainly on the patient’s involvement. I believe that everyone goes at their own pace and according to their abilities.

Much also depends on the people we meet along the way, professionals and how we are treated by them. How we feel in contact with them and whether we are able to build a relationship with them.

If you are on this path, don’t judge yourself too harshly.

I also know that when you feel bad, you want to feel some relief as quickly as possible. I understand it perfectly, but everything takes time and is an ongoing process.

Remember this and be patient with yourself (you are patient).

It is not easy; in fact it’s very difficult.

I was brought to the ward because, as I wrote before, I was unable to move around on my own. I changed it over time, but in small steps.

I remember when I decided to get off one street away
and I walked with trembling legs down this particular street to the ward, thinking that I would fall or die on the way.

In severe depression, the perception of the world and all feelings are full of terror, fear and loss. The inner world becomes a great nightmare and hell that no one sees.

Someone who has not experienced it (is not experiencing it) cannot even imagine it.

I will not paste professional literature here because it is a book about my own experience of recovery and my experiences related to it.

Later, I expanded my knowledge in this field due to my curiosity and search for self-understanding and due to the choice of my professional path.

Small steps

Day by day, my struggles brought slight improvement. However, at that time I coudn’t see it clearly yet.

I started trying to change something in small steps every day, including food. I started with small portions, mainly cream soups or some fruit.

For many weeks before I was admitted to the ward, I had not eaten anything and I had lost about 35 kilograms.

There were lunches in the ward, so sometimes I tried to eat something at the suggestion of my fellow patients. I always felt sick after eating, and just thinking about it made me nauseous.

I had panic attacks all the time and this feeling of being unsafe and trapped in my body. I know that everyone experiences depression differently, but this feeling accompanies everyone I have met along the way.

For me it’s like death in life. Like life, which has nothing to do with life. Totally detached from reality, I was drowning in my world full of suffering. Often with a smile on my face.

„because you can hide everything behind a smile”

I tried to be active, but I couldn’t express my thoughts and what was happening out loud. I couldn’t really feel my own emotions.

It only seemed to me what I was supposed to feel, but I felt nothing at all except fear, anger and this terror. When things were a little better, I wasn not able to talk about it.

Then I had this idea that if I said it out loud, it would really happen or someone would decide that I couldn’t exercise parental authority and I would lose the child.

Every day I set myself a Big Goal.

Of course, when a person is healthy, there is no effort.

My Big Goals included:

getting out of bed

taking out the garbage

making myself some tea

leaving out of the house gate

crossing in the company of one street

playing with my son

Then I lay down and slept for a few hours. And after classes in the ward, at first I just slept.

If you are in this place and you feel that you can’t cope, I want to tell you that this is what your disease is telling you and it is not true, although it feels very painful.

I believe that you have incredibly great strength within you, even if you don’t believe it, and I know that you can cope just like me.

Benek

He appeared halfway through my stay on the ward. Afterwards I felt like I was sitting in front of a mirror.

All what was hidden deep in my head was said out loud. I couldn’t tear my ears away from what was already in space.

I came home and cried. I couldn’t calm down. I cried while making tea, I cried while sitting in the garden, riding my bike. There were a lot of tears.

I felt like I was going to mourn the whole life that had passed me by.

I talked about my experiences, mainly to get a reaction, but I never talked about how I felt and what was inside me. I suffered in silence and solitude.

I remember my friends” reactions to the news that I was depressed. I wasn’t talking about emotions. I knew the whole list of them — in theory.

In practice, I couldn’t say out loud what I felt and I repressed my anger. I had so much of it inside me that I was afraid of it.

Different people found out at different times that I was sick and the question was often asked:

Seriously? You’re always smiling so much!

If you feel the same way and you also do this to hide EVERYTHING behind that smile, I will tell you that in hindsight I think that I did not give anyone the opportunity to support me.

I closed EVERYTHING with it.

I carried my problems alone, sharing only some of them with my friend Asia.

But you know what?

You don’t have to be brave all the time!

You can ask for help and it won’t become your weakness.

There will probably be people who will judge you, but you know who you can trust. Please take this step and tell someone close to you about your struggles, and if you don’t have such a person, please use other options.

Coming back to Benek, his appearance changed a lot at that time, and later in my life.

I stopped focusing on my suffering and started focusing on our conversations and His struggles with Himself.

Paradoxically, still on the same topic, but a completely different direction and perspective.

We talked a lot during breaks and before therapy. That’s when I started writing again. It helped me to calm my head and sort out everything that was unsaid.
And these are two poems from my book „I am — love without conditions”, which I dedicated to Benek and Bożena.

A house of respite

in silence — words are hidden

in silence — I hide my pain

every day I freeze agai

every day I am reborn again

usually forbidden events

they forcefully fall into my time

through those doors that are not closed
I venture into the forest alone

I will find my way back

whenever I look for hope

I’m going back to my home of respite

believing that everything will change

I turn this life into my time

rushing somewhere between

moments that are the highest goo

not just between the lines

I am because you are — I breathe

I feel my rest in You

I will always be here with my meaning

hoping that I will change in you

In the abyss

May 2018

I know

how difficult it is sometimes

to catch your breat

so many beliefs lovked in my head

under the surface

of frozen memories

freedom is easy to lose

and the voice of reason as well

I know

how difficult it is sometimes

to get up from your knees

when you fall into the world — invisible

from the outside

in  your face

You’re not revealing anything

you absorb nothingness

and in nothingness you perish

I know

how hard it is to find

this moment

when the light reaches out its hands

you grab them

from below the surface

you reveal your soul

somewhere at the bottom

you leave your mark

Over time, I started coming to the ward by bicycle.

The muscle pain was unimaginable for me, and the route took

about 20 minutes.

But it was on my list so…

To this day, I still have moments when I wonder how much the presence of another person in my life can change. In this case, Benek’s whole family also appeared and my son and I quickly became part of it.

For a long time I couldn’t believe it.

Life is often amazing and surprising.

When there is a person next to you who gives you acceptance and support, it changes so much and moves me so often.

It was thanks to him that I started taking medications late in life.

Due to many experiences with them, I was not able to do it earlier (my previous situations with drugs were not good and it was not only about antidepressants and antianxiety drugs). Due to these experiences, I couldn’t even swallow vitamins. My body couln’t handle it. I once had a severe drug reaction and ended up in the hospital. I had diarrhea, rashes and vomiting. I woke up twice during the anesthesia procedures.

My fear stemmed from these experiences.

Benek was patient and described everything about this drug to me on Messenger and convinced me, which later greatly influenced the comfort of my life and the further process of my recovery.

In hindsight, I also know that I did a lot of harm to myself by postponing taking medications. It made my recovery more difficult and longer. There was never anyone who would explain the consequences to me or tell me about other drugs and that new generation drugs do not have so many side effects.

The psychiatrist I saw after Dr. Przyłudzki left, well…

As you know, things vary, and contacts with psychiatrists are not a pleasant memory for me. I am not bringing this content to judge them, but to make them realize that in the crisis I was looking for support to cling to life.

When I came for the visit, I had an internal scream in my head: SAVE ME.

I longed with all my might for any gesture that would show that they saw me as a human being — NOT A DISEASE.

I would like a person in crisis who comes to their offices to be able to co-decide in their treatment. Be part of your process, not someone who is next to you or completely invisible in the office. Often even the doctor did not maintain eye contact with me and these are not just facts.

There will probably be people who will be outraged — I understand that; you have every right to do so.

I also met wonderful psychiatrists such as Dr. Daniel Fisher, whom I will write about later, or Dr. Michał Opielka or Małgorzata Dosiak, whom I had the opportunity to work with for a while.

Open to people, interested in their opinions. Giving hope and, above all, in dialogue.

I also know that many things resulted from my view of myself and my inability to support myself.

To put it simply, I DID NOT LIKE MYSELF AND I DID NOT FEEL LIKE I DESERVED MUCH.

It took me a long time to change my attitude towards myself, and I started by looking for an answer to the question of an intern who appeared on the ward. More on this in the next part.

Let’s go back to Benek for a moment.

There is a lot of love, a lot of understanding and acceptance in our relationship. Everything I didn’t give myself, I got from Him.

We support each other.

We don’t try to fix ourselves.

We have been in a relationship for six years and we’ve created a wonderful home and complement each other despite our differences. I can be myself every day and I feel free.

I wish this for everyone.

Lucyna

One day, an intern appeared on the ward.

She sat outside the circle as an observer, which somehow offended me greatly. Sometimes she conducted classes with us and introduced a lot of good energy with her presence.

I always looked forward to her presence.

From the very beginning, she gained great trust from many of my fellow patients in the group, and her classes were always interesting.

She was the only person who stopped by me in the corridor when sometimes I couldn’t get up after classes to leave the ward.

She did not have this knowledge and I think she is completely unaware of the influence she had on my subsequent actions and life.

Our short conversations in the corridor gave me hope that someone there was interested in how I felt and that I was not indifferent, and above all, I was not invisible.

When I was depressed, I really craved someone’s interest and attention. However, I was immersed in a feeling of inner unhappiness.

It is then difficult to take any initiative. I completely cut myself off from all my friends, and I didn’t have many of them anymore.

I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I felt like I was letting everyone down by not thinking at all about myself then.

I remember the question Lucyna asked me in the corridor right after I mentioned in the group that I don’t take medications and I can’t swallow them.

She asked:

— are you sure you want to be healthy?

This question and conversations with Benek made me decide to take medication. This question resonated in my head for a long time.

My answer was of course — I want to be healthy!

And then I started to wonder if I was really doing everything in this direction?

I admit that I was terrified at the time, but when I made the decision, I realized that it was time to take the pills. I failed on the first day. I still had these previous experiences in my mind.

Of course, in the morning I felt that I had failed and that I was useless.

I carried this distorted image of myself in my head for a long time. This was due to my many experiences and the belief that I always have to be able to cope and I have to handle everything ON MY OWN.

I finally made it… I felt like I was on top of the world.

Lucyna, I feel extremely grateful that you supported me then and accompanied me during the crisis. You will be the first person I give this book to.

Thank you…

Emotional resuscitation (eCPR) by Daniel Fisher

In 2019, I took part in a conference titled: " The role of the community in the recovery process of people after a mental crisis.”

I was invited by Ewa Rudzka — Jasińska (psychiatrist).

At that time, I had already taken part in the introductory Ex-In (expert by experience) course, which was conducted by her.

This course prepared people who had experienced a mental crisis and wanted to work supporting people in crisis.

I took part in it mainly so that I could support myself, but also to meet new people and get out of my comfort zone.

Later, this knowledge helped me greatly to understand many aspects of my illness.

One of the speakers at this conference was Daniel B. Fisher M.D., Ph. D., who talked about Emotional CPR (eCPR) and who conducted a two-day workshop with a team of trainers in which I took part.

During spring cleaning in March (2023), I found notes and materials from this meeting.

Why am I writing about this?

Because it was one of those meetings that had a huge impact on my life.