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Fragile, Yet So Cruel

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128 str.
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978-83-8155-341-4
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Fragile, yet so cruel


Katarzyna Neczek


A book of poetry

„Dedication”

To everyone


children / teenagers / adults / elderly

who gave up on their heart and purposes


who tasted or are tasting life’s bitterness

and through their hopelessness

don’t know how to act

cannot stay calm and neither do know how to fight


they think of cruelty

towards themselves

or another one


cannot leave the past behind


this


is


for


you

„Introduction — Pearly Limerick”

there was a charming girl

pretty like a fine pearl

she always smiled

always so bright

but inside there was hell…

„The Night Tale About My Youth”

re-thinking my wasting youth

in my bed surrounded

by those grey walls

the silver moonlight

and the window it glows through

[3 a.m]

I cannot fight with my thoughts anymore

it’s the melancholy they bring

I want to throw away

all of adulthood’s fears


who would have thought

they can add to one’s age

so many years


I want to feel careless again

but I still desire to stay the same

I want them to see the real me

because I’m not that girl

with the popularity and the fame

in those corridors of my school

that I’m going back to carry


the constant blame


so I’ll wait for it watching the silver moon

wasting my time

and losing yet another second of my youth

and I will make my fears rise and bloom

and I will paint them

rainbow-colored

„Letter To God”

dear God

bless my parents’ hands

take care of my silly friends

and make me proud

not of the person I want to become

but the person I’ll truly become myself


don’t make me hate myself

and make somebody love me

truly and until his last breath


don’t make me a mother of a child

that would be hurt because of me

make me a woman worth love

make me a woman worth calling mommy

lead me through life

with the people that I love

help me live to the fullest

this is all I want from you

„To All Parents”

dear parents — here is a lesson for you


constantly telling your children they are not


beautiful

bright

good enough


to dream on

fight for their achievements

and aim high


shall be your own failure

the mistake committed by one

who should have always been

the kiddo’s light

number one supporter

„Flaws”

don’t be your child’s first tormentor

don’t cut wings of the butterflies

you’ve got to always stand for


the ones you’ve got to raise


make them grow

instead of causing their fall

by analyzing

every single flaw

of theirs


people ain’t unmarked

we all own

scars of some kind

[children / adults / elderly

mothers / fathers

sons and daughters]

„To All Children”

you should consider the fact

that your parents

may not necessarily want you

not to go on


and hurt you on purpose


maybe it’s all about

their love

and wishing for you to stay with them

to avoid the mistakes they once made

and they don’t know


how to express that


they gifted you

with an unconditional feeling

and with all their heart

they wish it was strong enough


to save you from failing


bear it in mind

and softly gift them with an honest chat

as they may know you were right

with your wish to grow up

experience and move on

[but they deeply need and deserve that]

„The Baby Nightingale In The Diamond Cage”

a perfect baby nightingale

closed in a diamond cage

happy but cries

fed with the best

eating the worst


swallowing life’s bitterness


when will you take care of yourself?

when will you learn?

when will you leave the cage?

that’s made of the biggest diamonds


but still adds to the rage


free yourself

free your mind

free yourself from the diamond prison

perfect baby nightingale

and show all the most sparkling diamonds

[the ones you’ve got in yourself]

„Parenting Utopia”

all the good parents

always keep asking themselves

since the first time

they have seen their child


whether they would be able

to save it from suffering

experiencing grief

everything what is dire


and though they know

it’s impossible to make it happen

they never hesitate to try

„Letter To My Parents”

dear mom and dad

yes — I have scars you expostulate

burnt and sharp and also running scars

just like those beautiful little creatures

you admire in the night sky

just like stars


yes — I sometimes do have bad marks

based on bad answers and opinions

negative in their own nature

maybe necessary or maybe wrong

just like every thing you ever gave up on


yes — I sometimes act bad

disrespectfully like I was a mad child

just like all on the worse side of their life

just like humans who are terribly sad


yes — I’m not flawless

I lack perfection but the truth also is

that I’m just a person

so are you


please don’t be judgmental

as you’ve created me

be gentle

I love you

“The Phantom Trade”

I did more


than I had been expected to

more than I could

more than everything


but guess what


in exchange I got

nothing

nothing at all

[invisible]

“The Emotional Paradox”

someday

I would love to know

how is it even possible

to feel so fulfilled


by emptiness growing on


the life you once

happily lived

just like that

just right now

“Showtime”

how can you want

more from me

when I gave

more than I had?


the only thing that remains

is my soul


but it’s feint


as I’m killing

it every night

thinking still


how can I prove

I really am

good enough?


shall I make my vitals

fall to show

if I really am strong?


what if one day you learn

they already fell?

was I good?

was I good enough myself?

„The Germ Of Depression”

the tasted salt

sugaring

every single decision


that has ever

been made wrong


and turning it

into a deep-

very deep incision

way too sore

„Picture This”

I don’t want to regret

any photograph

that has ever been taken


yet I still do catch myself

on being frozen and shaken

by all the false faces

once so close to me

the ones that got me forsaken

„Shattered — The Definition of Anxiety”

anxiety is a shattered reflection

of the mirror that was never broken

a night time insomnia

like all of the dreams were stolen

it’s the long pause between deep breaths

that are tried to be taken more often

but the air seems to be not enough

to fulfill lungs’ depths


'not enough'


anxiety is feeling not enough

constant longing for the goals

that could never be reached

and making you worse

anxiety is a battle

constant longing for a victory

but ending up on losing

and the self-worth still being shattered


and when you stand before that beautiful mirror

anxiety is the thought


‘before me stands the enemy

that I’ve been training with my own hands’

thinking it’s all your fault

„The Undeserved Gift”

outgrowing people brings insanity

as strong is their pride

forceful is their vanity

they think is provided


towards a lonely soul


who seeks and sees

deep and wide

forever afraid of a mistake

forever afraid of being misguided

„The Second Bottom”

life’s beauty scares me

though of its’ existence

I truly am aware


I just wish I could enjoy it

treasure

with all my being


however


I do not know

if I am able to

I do not know

if I can


[I’m this much scared]


I want to laugh

experience

discover


but at the moment

I can only sigh

with an old photograph

resting in my hand

and a memory

going through my head

“Dusky Cravings”

the only things

I am craving

for tonight’s evening

are


my pillow

soaking up

my tears


plus

my blanket

hiding my face


and the hot tea

trying to calm down

the stomach

even when tears are changing the taste

[bittersweet]

“Counting”

one pill

turning into ten

of this happening one day

I’m so afraid

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — I — Tasting The Salt

choking

on my tears


they salt

the soil around

as my bed becomes a coffin


sick is

the only sound

[in my head it has been found]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — II — The Spine

those constant fears

make me scream inside

sending chills

and shivers

down my spine

[another sign]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — III — The Disorder

I’m just

afraid of being mortal


but

in the same time

I think

I cannot be truly alive

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — IV — The Hidden One

how strong can your love be towards life

when at age of eighteen

you feel like an elder ready to die


all you do is fight

[stay inside]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — V — The Takeover

how strong is fear of mortality

when you treasure every breath

which soon becomes

a greater and greater liability

[disability?!]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VI — The Coffin’s Door

the misery is the key

to close the coffin’s door behind

and the panic that overcomes

is an art for my fright

[sigh]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VII — The Maniac

where’s the common sense

where’s my sensibility guided

when the lost sense of life

and the fear to die

both seem to be in sight


forever undivided

[blind!]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VIII — Question Number One

what is that feeling like

when you can claim

you are neither dead nor alive

[have I already died?]

„For Your Sake”

you should leave people

when you start to question your sanity


due to their sense

of betterness and vanity


you should abandon

the thought that says

you are worse


just because you are different than them


abandon them — leave

your mental health will thank you

just as soon as you take a single step


don’t you hesitate

your body and your soul

will be grateful

for the brave move you made

you are unique and the best

in your own special way

„Deep Breaths”

[breathe in and out]

it’s okay

it’s already the past

it’s over

it’s already behind you

let sleeping dogs lay

[breathe in and out]

sit down — lay in my unmade bed

cry if you want to

I understand how it is

I really do babe

[breathe in and out]

now stand up tall

eat something and drink some of water

take care of your pets and plants

[breathe in and breathe out]

but don’t you forget about yourself son

don’t forget about yourself daughter

breathe and live life

oh how bold

you are

„Crying and Proud”

from now on

I won’t drop a single tear


for those

who didn’t believe

that I needed help


for those

who kept on laughing

saying

‘darling don’t be silly

you are not pretty

when you are crying’

I won’t drop

a single tear for them


but for myself — out of pride


that I went through this

with those

who actually loved me


for that

I actually am pretty

and most importantly

for that I finally am fine

“Valuable”

I’m way more important

than sick expectations

made out of nowhere


just to have me hurt and impaired


I’m worth way more than a minor sign

written down in either

their notebooks or their minds

just to steal

dreams and achievements of mine


who do you think you are?


it all wasn’t merited

getting disrespected

as I stood there in front of you

with no power and no strength

“As Sharp As A Sword”

I will fight for myself

I will take only as much

as I can stand


but now I will show no mercy


I will use my mind

the one they used to find

nonexistent


empty as their hearts


may they drink their wine

as they insult my dignity

and spit on my face

for now

but the right words

coming their way

like sharpened swords

are just a matter of time

“Love The Hate”

[ladies and gentlemen

hateful sweetings of mine

if you read that

I want to say thank you

here and now]


for all the daggers

for all the problems

for all the discredits

thrown to my side


I say thanks


as without them all

I would never be

where now I am


with my art

and language

and poetry


and soon hopefully

with my life

[on top]

“Neither Dead Nor Alive” — IX — Into The Dream

getting buried deep

in my blanket

falling asleep


heading for a dreamland

no rush

going slow


healing fears

as I’ve won the fight

I seek the great tomorrow


I finally do feel alive

the most alive I’ve ever known so far

„My Favourite Poem”

you are the poem

alive and breathing

you are like the gothic church

and I fell for its chambers’ depths


I draw you

on margins


I write you

my darling


my juicy fruit

my aureate honey


my gem so sheeny

polished regulary


I can’t erase you from the paper

even if I want it so much

I can’t put the full stop

and I will probably still draw the line


I’ve created you through joy and rage

and I love you just too much

to destroy the page


I won’t end you

not here and now

„Give Me Your Risky Desire”

his words

so old and platitudinal

that they turn into rust

as soon as they come


out of his mouth


yet still they do touch her

her body and her heart

and her mind turns into stardust

as it’s tricky and in love


is not ready for the art made of blood


as champagne starts its’ role in the play

she will let him in

she will become the sacrifice

she won’t tell him anymore to go away

‘give me your risky desire’

what she said


he smiled because what he could state

‘prepare for the blood and tears to be shed’?

„Early Morning’s Fantasy”

after the pale sunshine breaks the night-time skies

and I see the empty bedsheets on your side

I will come to this window you are staring through

wearing your t-shirt and my stockings from last night

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