Bezpłatny fragment - Fragile, Yet So Cruel

Fragile, yet so cruel

Katarzyna Neczek

A book of poetry

„Dedication”

to everyone

children / teenagers / adults / elderly

who gave up on their hearts and purposes

who tasted or are tasting life’s bitterness

and through their hopelessness

don’t know how to act

cannot stay calm and do not know how to fight

they think of cruelty

towards themselves

or another one

cannot leave the past behind

this

is

for

you

„The Pearly Limerick (Prelude)”

there was a charming girl

pretty like a fine pearl

she always smiled

always so bright

but inside there was hell…

„The Night Tale About My Youth”

re-thinking my youth

being wasted

in my bed surrounded

by those grey walls

the silver moonlight

and the window it glows through

[3 a.m.]

I cannot fight with my thoughts anymore

it’s the melancholy they bring

I want to throw away

all the fears of adulthood

who would have thought

they could add so many years

to one’s age?

I want to feel careless again

but I still desire to stay the same

I want them to see the real me

because I’m not that girl

with the popularity and the fame

in those corridors of my school

that I’m going back to for to carry

the constant blame

so I’ll wait for it watching the pale moon

wasting my time

and losing a yet another second of my youth

this my adolescence

and I will make my fears rise and bloom

— and I will paint them

rainbow-colored too…

„Letter To God”

dear God

bless my parents’ hands

take care of my silly friends

and make me proud

not of the person I want to become

but the person I’ll truly become myself

don’t make me hate myself

and make somebody love me

truly and until his last breath

and don’t make me

a mother of a child

that would be hurt because of me

— make me a woman

worth loving;

make me a woman

worth calling a mommy

lead me through life

with the people that I love;

help me live to the fullest

— dear Lord, once come the hours

balmiest and cruellest;

this is the whole nine yards

I ever want and dare ask for

— the acres of your succor so pure

„To All Parents”

dear parents — here is a lesson for you

constantly telling your children they are not

beautiful

bright

good enough

to dream on

fight for their achievements

and aim high

shall be your own failure

the mistake

committed by one

who should have

always been

the kiddo’s light

number one supporter on the dot

yet it’s the encouragement to ignite!;

and not perfectionism to incite

— yourselves and one another:

forsake you not!

please, awake and do not

let the orb benight for aye...

„Flaws”

don’t be your child’s first tormentor

don’t cut wings of the butterflies

you’ve got to always stand up for

the ones you’ve got to raise

make them grow

instead of causing their fall

by analyzing

every single flaw

of theirs

people ain’t unmarked

we all do own

scars of some kind

children / adults / elderly

mothers / fathers

daughters and sons

— errors and blunders to hap

are sure as the wind blows, my pal

„To All Children”

you should consider the fact

that your parents

may not necessarily want you not to go on

and hurt you on purpose;

maybe it’s frankly all about their love

and a wish for you to stay with them

to avoid the mistakes they

and their own parents once made

and they just do not know

how to express this and that

— if they gifted you

with an unconditional feeling

and with all their hearts;

they candidly wish

they were mighty enough

to save you from fails of any kind

bear it in mind and re-think

bestowing an honest chat upon

as they may know you were right

with your wish to grow up

experience and move on

but they deeply need

and might deserve that

[some matters try to reinterpret

even if at the end of the day

it turns out merely for yourself]

„The Baby Nightingale In The Diamond Cage”

a perfect baby nightingale

closed in a diamond cage;

'over the moon' yet howls

and cries for the alleged one

fed with the best

eating the worst

swallowing life’s bitterness

when will you take care of yourself?

when will you learn?

— when will you leave

the enclosure of gilt so cold?

that’s made of the grand adamants

but still adds to the rage

and self-guilt itself on and on

let loose; liberate yourself

unleash your mind

set yourself free from the sparkler prison

baby nightingale perfect in your own way

and show all the most glittering gems

the ones I know you’ve got in yourself

— for your sake is

the endeavor to fly away!

„Parenting Utopia”

all the good parents

always keep asking themselves

since the first time

they have seen their child

whether they would be able

to save it from suffering

experiencing grief

everything what is dire

and though they know

it’s impossible to make it happen

they never hesitate to try

„Letter To My Parents”

dear mom and dad

yes — I have scars you expostulate

burnt and sharp and also running scars

just like those beautiful little creatures

you admire in the night sky

just like stars

yes — I sometimes do have bad marks

based on bad answers and opinions

negative in their own nature

maybe necessarily or maybe wrong

just like every thing you ever gave up on

yes — I sometimes act bad

disrespectfully like I was a mad child

just like all on the worse side of their life

just like humans who are terribly sad

yes — I’m not flawless

I lack perfection but the truth also is

that I’m just a person

so are you

please don’t be judgmental

as you’ve created me

be gentle

I love you

“The Phantom Trade”

I did more

than I had been expected to

more than I could

more than everything

but guess what

in exchange I got

nil

nought

nothing

nothing at all

[invisible]

“The Emotional Paradox”

someday

I would love to know

how it is even possible

to feel so fulfilled

yet by such

emptiness to abound

the life you once

happily lived

— just like that

and just right now

devoidness

into

nothingness

burst forth

overwhelmedness

and desolation

of today

and of yore

into my apathy conjoined

“Showtime”

how can you want

more from me

when I gave

more than I had?

the only thing

that remains

is my soul

but it’s a feint

as I’m killing

it every night

thinking still

how can I prove

if I really am

good enough;

shall I make my vital signs

fall to show

if I really am strong?

what if one day you learn

they already fell?

— was I good?

was I good enough myself?

„The Germ Of Disquietude”

the tasted salt

sugaring

every single decision

that has ever

been made wrong

and turning it

into a deep-

very deep incision

way too sore...

„Picture This”

I don’t want to regret

any photograph

that has ever been taken

yet I still do catch myself

on being frozen and shaken

by all the false faces

once so close to me

the ones that got me forsaken...

„Shattered — The Definition of Anxiety”

anxiety is a shattered reflection

of the mirror that was never broken

— a nighttime insomnia

like all of the dreams were stolen;

it’s the long pause between deep breaths

that are tried to be taken more often

but the air seems to be not enough

to fulfill depths of the lungs

the lead of so heavy and slate and dull-…

...'not enough'...

— anxiety is feeling not enough;

the constant longing for the goals

that could never be reached

and making you worse allegedly

— anxiety is a battle;

the everlasting longing for a victory

but ending up on losing no matter what

and the self-esteem gone pulverized

and when you stand before that beautiful mirror

anxiety is the thought:

‘before me stands the enemy

that I’ve been training with my own hands’

— thinking it’s all your fault

„The Undeserved Gift”

outgrowing people brings insanity

as strong is their pride

forceful is their vanity

they think is provided

towards a lonely soul

who seeks and sees

deep and wide

forever afraid of a mistake

and of anything to misguide

„The Second Bottom”

life’s beauty petrifies me

though of its existence

I truly am aware

I just wish I could enjoy it

treasure

with all my being

however

I do not know

if I am able to

I do not know

if I can

[I’m this much scared]

I want to laugh

experience

discover

but at the moment

I can only sigh

with a senile snapshot

resting in my hand

and a memory

going through my head

“Whelmed”

the only things

my inner self seems to crave

for tonight’s evening

for the dusk come

are

my pillow

soaking up

my tears

plus

my blanket

hiding my face

and a hot tea

trying to calm down

the stomach

even when tears are changing the taste

[the bittersweet embrace]

“Counting”

one pill

turning into ten

of this happening one day

I’m so afraid

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — I — Tasting The Salt

choking

on my tears

they salt

the soil around

as my bed becomes a coffin

sick is

the only sound

[in my head it has been found]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — II — The Spine

those persistent discomposures

make me scream inside

sending chills

and shivers

down my spine

[another sign]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — III — The Disorder

I’m just

afraid of being mortal

but

in the same time

I think

I cannot be truly alive

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — IV — The Hidden One

how strong can your love be towards life

when at the age of eighteen

you feel like an elder ready to die

all you do is fight

[stay inside]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — V — The Takeover

how strong is the angst of mortality

when you treasure every breath

which soon becomes

a greater and greater liability

[disability?!]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VI — The Coffin’s Door

the misery is the key

to close the coffin’s door behind

and the panic that overcomes

is an art for my fright

[sigh]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VII — Twofold

where’s the common sense

where’s my sensibility guided

when the lost sense of life

and the fear to die

both seem to be in sight

forever undivided

[blind!]

„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VIII — The Question Number One

what does it feel

when you claim

you are neither

dead nor alive

[have I already died?!]

the climax to abide

once lurks the crux

interrogative

in its expression

and the reply

affirmative

you get not

— for the awakening is nigh

and so is the light,

so is the earthly light,

so is the garden light

even if bereft remains your delight

'what shall unfold now?'

— soon the question

number one does resound

„For Your Sake”

you should leave people

when you start

to question your sanity

due to their sense

of betterness and vanity

you should abandon

the thought that says

you are worse

just because you are different than them

abandon them — leave

your mental health will thank you

just as soon as you take a single step

don’t you hesitate

your body and your soul

will be grateful

for the brave move you made

you are unique

and the best

in your own special way

„Deep Breaths”

[breathe in and out]

it’s okay

it’s already the past

it’s over

it’s already behind you

one day we will let it go

[breathe in and out]

sit down — lie down in my unmade bed

cry if you want to

it is always there for you, babe

and so I am — I really do care myself

[breathe in and out]

now I beseech you to attempt to stand your ground

eat at least a tiny bit and drink some water

take care of your pets and plants, they need you indeed

[breathe in and breathe out]

but don’t you forget about yourself son

don’t forget about yourself daughter

one step at a time — breathe and live life

oh, see what a ray

of light you truly are

„Crying and Proud”

from now on

I won’t drop a single tear

for those

who didn’t believe

that I needed help

for those

who kept on laughing

saying

‘darling don’t be silly

you are not pretty

when you are crying’

I won’t drop

a single tear for them

but for myself — out of some healthy pride

that I went through this

with those

who actually loved me

for that

I actually am pretty

and most importantly

for that I finally am fine

“Valuable”

I’m way more important

than sick expectations

made out of nowhere

just to have me hurt and impaired

I’m worth way more than a minor sign

written down in either

their notebooks or their minds

just to steal

dreams and achievements of mine

who do you think you are?

it all wasn’t deserved

getting disrespected

as I stood there in front of you

with no power and no strength

and the glare

to flare through

were merely your frown

and bias acute...

“As Sharp As A Sword”

I will fight for myself

for I will take only as much

as I can stand

but now I will show no mercy

I will use my mind

— the one they used

to find

nonexistent

empty

as their hearts

may they drink their wine

as they insult my dignity

and spit on my face

for now

but the right words

coming their way

like sharpened swords

are just a matter of time

I swear…

“Love The Hate”

ladies and gentlemen,

bitter sweetings of mine

if you read that

I want to say thank you

here and now

for all the daggers

for all the problems

for all the discredits

thrown to my side

'thanks' I do vocalize

as without them all

I would never be

where now I am

with my art

and language

and poetry

and soon hopefully

with my life

[on top]

“Neither Dead Nor Alive” — IX — Into The Dream

another time

getting buried deep

underneath my blanket

diving into the slumber’s space

heading for

an idyllic dreamland

yet with no modicum of rush

— strolling at the slowest of pace

I am healing my fears

as I have won

the combat

and I frankly do seek

the factual 'morrow

at the end of the day the better one

and moreover it is in peace

in and out; at last I do feel alive

— the most alive I’ve ever known so far

as less and less leaden become my lungs...

„My Favourite Poem”

you are the poem alive and breathing;

you are like a gothic church

and I fell for its chambers’ depths;

my desecration and fane, my curse and prayer

I draw you

on margins

— a damned friend and a divine fiend

I write you

my darling

— the omnipresent synaesthesia I perceive

for you — my juicy fruit

my crimson wine and my aureate honey

— the nectar cellar

a pledge of allegiance to thee, my gem so sheeny

— polished regularly

I can’t erase you from the paper

even if I want it so much;

I can’t put the full stop

and I will probably keep on extending the line;

I’ve created you through joy and rage

and I love you just too much

to destroy the page;

I won’t end you… — not here and now, I engage!

signed in the blood spilled

by dint of the pen’s blade

yet will it, will it evermore stain?

„Give Me Your Risky Desire”

his words of charm

so old and platitudinal

that they turn into rust

as soon as they come

out of his mouth

— yet still they do affect her

her body and her heart

and her mind turns into stardust

as it’s deluded and in love

is not prepared for such touch to unfold

though as the champagne starts its role in the play

she will exchange the significant look

she will let him in denuded in a mo

she won’t tell him anymore to go away

she will chuckle and utter her consent

‘in your desire I want to enfold’

she said come what may;

he grinned and undertook

because what could he state?

‘prepare for the blood to be shed
and with the time less or more in haste

also tears in awe of a way twofold, babe’?

„Early Morning’s Fantasy”