Fragile, yet so cruel
Katarzyna Neczek
A book of poetry
„Dedication”
to everyone
children / teenagers / adults / elderly
who gave up on their hearts and purposes
who tasted or are tasting life’s bitterness
and through their hopelessness
don’t know how to act
cannot stay calm and do not know how to fight
they think of cruelty
towards themselves
or another one
cannot leave the past behind
this
is
for
you
„The Pearly Limerick (Prelude)”
there was a charming girl
pretty like a fine pearl
she always smiled
always so bright
but inside there was hell…
„The Night Tale About My Youth”
re-thinking my youth
being wasted
in my bed surrounded
by those grey walls
the silver moonlight
and the window it glows through
[3 a.m.]
I cannot fight with my thoughts anymore
it’s the melancholy they bring
I want to throw away
all the fears of adulthood
who would have thought
they could add so many years
to one’s age?
I want to feel careless again
but I still desire to stay the same
I want them to see the real me
because I’m not that girl
with the popularity and the fame
in those corridors of my school
that I’m going back to for to carry
the constant blame
so I’ll wait for it watching the pale moon
wasting my time
and losing a yet another second of my youth
this my adolescence
and I will make my fears rise and bloom
— and I will paint them
rainbow-colored too…
„Letter To God”
dear God
bless my parents’ hands
take care of my silly friends
and make me proud
not of the person I want to become
but the person I’ll truly become myself
don’t make me hate myself
and make somebody love me
truly and until his last breath
and don’t make me
a mother of a child
that would be hurt because of me
— make me a woman
worth loving;
make me a woman
worth calling a mommy
lead me through life
with the people that I love;
help me live to the fullest
— dear Lord, once come the hours
balmiest and cruellest;
this is the whole nine yards
I ever want and dare ask for
— the acres of your succor so pure
„To All Parents”
dear parents — here is a lesson for you
constantly telling your children they are not
beautiful
bright
good enough
to dream on
fight for their achievements
and aim high
shall be your own failure
the mistake
committed by one
who should have
always been
the kiddo’s light
number one supporter on the dot
yet it’s the encouragement to ignite!;
and not perfectionism to incite
— yourselves and one another:
forsake you not!
please, awake and do not
let the orb benight for aye...
„Flaws”
don’t be your child’s first tormentor
don’t cut wings of the butterflies
you’ve got to always stand up for
the ones you’ve got to raise
make them grow
instead of causing their fall
by analyzing
every single flaw
of theirs
people ain’t unmarked
we all do own
scars of some kind
children / adults / elderly
mothers / fathers
daughters and sons
— errors and blunders to hap
are sure as the wind blows, my pal
„To All Children”
you should consider the fact
that your parents
may not necessarily want you not to go on
and hurt you on purpose;
maybe it’s frankly all about their love
and a wish for you to stay with them
to avoid the mistakes they
and their own parents once made
and they just do not know
how to express this and that
— if they gifted you
with an unconditional feeling
and with all their hearts;
they candidly wish
they were mighty enough
to save you from fails of any kind
bear it in mind and re-think
bestowing an honest chat upon
as they may know you were right
with your wish to grow up
experience and move on
but they deeply need
and might deserve that
[some matters try to reinterpret
even if at the end of the day
it turns out merely for yourself]
„The Baby Nightingale In The Diamond Cage”
a perfect baby nightingale
closed in a diamond cage;
'over the moon' yet howls
and cries for the alleged one
fed with the best
eating the worst
swallowing life’s bitterness
when will you take care of yourself?
when will you learn?
— when will you leave
the enclosure of gilt so cold?
that’s made of the grand adamants
but still adds to the rage
and self-guilt itself on and on
let loose; liberate yourself
unleash your mind
set yourself free from the sparkler prison
baby nightingale perfect in your own way
and show all the most glittering gems
the ones I know you’ve got in yourself
— for your sake is
the endeavor to fly away!
„Parenting Utopia”
all the good parents
always keep asking themselves
since the first time
they have seen their child
whether they would be able
to save it from suffering
experiencing grief
everything what is dire
and though they know
it’s impossible to make it happen
they never hesitate to try
„Letter To My Parents”
dear mom and dad
yes — I have scars you expostulate
burnt and sharp and also running scars
just like those beautiful little creatures
you admire in the night sky
just like stars
yes — I sometimes do have bad marks
based on bad answers and opinions
negative in their own nature
maybe necessarily or maybe wrong
just like every thing you ever gave up on
yes — I sometimes act bad
disrespectfully like I was a mad child
just like all on the worse side of their life
just like humans who are terribly sad
yes — I’m not flawless
I lack perfection but the truth also is
that I’m just a person
so are you
please don’t be judgmental
as you’ve created me
be gentle
I love you
“The Phantom Trade”
I did more
than I had been expected to
more than I could
more than everything
but guess what
in exchange I got
nil
nought
nothing
nothing at all
[invisible]
“The Emotional Paradox”
someday
I would love to know
how it is even possible
to feel so fulfilled
yet by such
emptiness to abound
the life you once
happily lived
— just like that
and just right now
devoidness
into
nothingness
burst forth
overwhelmedness
and desolation
of today
and of yore
into my apathy conjoined
“Showtime”
how can you want
more from me
when I gave
more than I had?
the only thing
that remains
is my soul
but it’s a feint
as I’m killing
it every night
thinking still
how can I prove
if I really am
good enough;
shall I make my vital signs
fall to show
if I really am strong?
what if one day you learn
they already fell?
— was I good?
was I good enough myself?
„The Germ Of Disquietude”
the tasted salt
sugaring
every single decision
that has ever
been made wrong
and turning it
into a deep-
very deep incision
way too sore...
„Picture This”
I don’t want to regret
any photograph
that has ever been taken
yet I still do catch myself
on being frozen and shaken
by all the false faces
once so close to me
the ones that got me forsaken...
„Shattered — The Definition of Anxiety”
anxiety is a shattered reflection
of the mirror that was never broken
— a nighttime insomnia
like all of the dreams were stolen;
it’s the long pause between deep breaths
that are tried to be taken more often
but the air seems to be not enough
to fulfill depths of the lungs
the lead of so heavy and slate and dull-…
...'not enough'...
— anxiety is feeling not enough;
the constant longing for the goals
that could never be reached
and making you worse allegedly
— anxiety is a battle;
the everlasting longing for a victory
but ending up on losing no matter what
and the self-esteem gone pulverized
and when you stand before that beautiful mirror
anxiety is the thought:
‘before me stands the enemy
that I’ve been training with my own hands’
— thinking it’s all your fault
„The Undeserved Gift”
outgrowing people brings insanity
as strong is their pride
forceful is their vanity
they think is provided
towards a lonely soul
who seeks and sees
deep and wide
forever afraid of a mistake
and of anything to misguide
„The Second Bottom”
life’s beauty petrifies me
though of its existence
I truly am aware
I just wish I could enjoy it
treasure
with all my being
however
I do not know
if I am able to
I do not know
if I can
[I’m this much scared]
I want to laugh
experience
discover
but at the moment
I can only sigh
with a senile snapshot
resting in my hand
and a memory
going through my head
“Whelmed”
the only things
my inner self seems to crave
for tonight’s evening
for the dusk come
are
my pillow
soaking up
my tears
plus
my blanket
hiding my face
and a hot tea
trying to calm down
the stomach
even when tears are changing the taste
[the bittersweet embrace]
“Counting”
one pill
turning into ten
of this happening one day
I’m so afraid
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — I — Tasting The Salt
choking
on my tears
they salt
the soil around
as my bed becomes a coffin
sick is
the only sound
[in my head it has been found]
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — II — The Spine
those persistent discomposures
make me scream inside
sending chills
and shivers
down my spine
[another sign]
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — III — The Disorder
I’m just
afraid of being mortal
but
in the same time
I think
I cannot be truly alive
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — IV — The Hidden One
how strong can your love be towards life
when at the age of eighteen
you feel like an elder ready to die
all you do is fight
[stay inside]
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — V — The Takeover
how strong is the angst of mortality
when you treasure every breath
which soon becomes
a greater and greater liability
[disability?!]
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VI — The Coffin’s Door
the misery is the key
to close the coffin’s door behind
and the panic that overcomes
is an art for my fright
[sigh]
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VII — Twofold
where’s the common sense
where’s my sensibility guided
when the lost sense of life
and the fear to die
both seem to be in sight
forever undivided
[blind!]
„Neither Dead Nor Alive” — VIII — The Question Number One
what does it feel
when you claim
you are neither
dead nor alive
[have I already died?!]
the climax to abide
once lurks the crux
interrogative
in its expression
and the reply
affirmative
you get not
— for the awakening is nigh
and so is the light,
so is the earthly light,
so is the garden light
even if bereft remains your delight
'what shall unfold now?'
— soon the question
number one does resound
„For Your Sake”
you should leave people
when you start
to question your sanity
due to their sense
of betterness and vanity
you should abandon
the thought that says
you are worse
just because you are different than them
abandon them — leave
your mental health will thank you
just as soon as you take a single step
don’t you hesitate
your body and your soul
will be grateful
for the brave move you made
you are unique
and the best
in your own special way
„Deep Breaths”
[breathe in and out]
it’s okay
it’s already the past
it’s over
it’s already behind you
one day we will let it go
[breathe in and out]
sit down — lie down in my unmade bed
cry if you want to
it is always there for you, babe
and so I am — I really do care myself
[breathe in and out]
now I beseech you to attempt to stand your ground
eat at least a tiny bit and drink some water
take care of your pets and plants, they need you indeed
[breathe in and breathe out]
but don’t you forget about yourself son
don’t forget about yourself daughter
one step at a time — breathe and live life
oh, see what a ray
of light you truly are
„Crying and Proud”
from now on
I won’t drop a single tear
for those
who didn’t believe
that I needed help
for those
who kept on laughing
saying
‘darling don’t be silly
you are not pretty
when you are crying’
I won’t drop
a single tear for them
but for myself — out of some healthy pride
that I went through this
with those
who actually loved me
for that
I actually am pretty
and most importantly
for that I finally am fine
“Valuable”
I’m way more important
than sick expectations
made out of nowhere
just to have me hurt and impaired
I’m worth way more than a minor sign
written down in either
their notebooks or their minds
just to steal
dreams and achievements of mine
who do you think you are?
it all wasn’t deserved
getting disrespected
as I stood there in front of you
with no power and no strength
and the glare
to flare through
were merely your frown
and bias acute...
“As Sharp As A Sword”
I will fight for myself
for I will take only as much
as I can stand
but now I will show no mercy
I will use my mind
— the one they used
to find
nonexistent
empty
as their hearts
may they drink their wine
as they insult my dignity
and spit on my face
for now
but the right words
coming their way
like sharpened swords
are just a matter of time
I swear…
“Love The Hate”
ladies and gentlemen,
bitter sweetings of mine
if you read that
I want to say thank you
here and now
for all the daggers
for all the problems
for all the discredits
thrown to my side
'thanks' I do vocalize
as without them all
I would never be
where now I am
with my art
and language
and poetry
and soon hopefully
with my life
[on top]
“Neither Dead Nor Alive” — IX — Into The Dream
another time
getting buried deep
underneath my blanket
diving into the slumber’s space
heading for
an idyllic dreamland
yet with no modicum of rush
— strolling at the slowest of pace
I am healing my fears
as I have won
the combat
and I frankly do seek
the factual 'morrow
at the end of the day the better one
and moreover it is in peace
in and out; at last I do feel alive
— the most alive I’ve ever known so far
as less and less leaden become my lungs...
„My Favourite Poem”
you are the poem alive and breathing;
you are like a gothic church
and I fell for its chambers’ depths;
my desecration and fane, my curse and prayer
I draw you
on margins
— a damned friend and a divine fiend
I write you
my darling
— the omnipresent synaesthesia I perceive
for you — my juicy fruit
my crimson wine and my aureate honey
— the nectar cellar
a pledge of allegiance to thee, my gem so sheeny
— polished regularly
I can’t erase you from the paper
even if I want it so much;
I can’t put the full stop
and I will probably keep on extending the line;
I’ve created you through joy and rage
and I love you just too much
to destroy the page;
I won’t end you… — not here and now, I engage!
signed in the blood spilled
by dint of the pen’s blade
yet will it, will it evermore stain?
„Give Me Your Risky Desire”
his words of charm
so old and platitudinal
that they turn into rust
as soon as they come
out of his mouth
— yet still they do affect her
her body and her heart
and her mind turns into stardust
as it’s deluded and in love
is not prepared for such touch to unfold
though as the champagne starts its role in the play
she will exchange the significant look
she will let him in denuded in a mo
she won’t tell him anymore to go away
she will chuckle and utter her consent
‘in your desire I want to enfold’
she said come what may;
he grinned and undertook
because what could he state?
‘prepare for the blood to be shed
and with the time less or more in haste
also tears in awe of a way twofold, babe’?
„Early Morning’s Fantasy”